HOW YOU CAN HELP - Writing Letters, Part 3: Sample Letter with Edits

My previous two posts about Writing Letters have covered word use and basic formatting requirements. The following is the letter that actually spawned this three-part post. A friend recently sent the following letter she'd written to the judge who was in charge of the Cleve Wells case in Texas. She wanted to express her opinion as a horse trainer and buisness owner as to why Wells should have been prosecuted. She sent it to a bunch of friends for critique. Of course, being the English-use and correct format freak that I am, I sent some suggestions back to her. She let me post her letter here to help show how a letter can be changed to be more effective and more apt to be taken seriously.

My friend's letter is in blue text; my comments are in red text.

To the office of
District Attorney
Honorable Dale Hanna
Phone (817) 556-6802
Fax (817) 556-6816
Guinn Justice Center
204 S. Buffalo Ave Room 209
Cleburne, Texas 76033

Re: SLOW LOPIN SCOTCH It would probably be better if your reason for the letter was Cleve Wells, or the actual case number, if you can find it. They most likely won't remember the horse's name (unfortunately).

It has recently come to my attention that the district attorneys office has chosen a discretionary rejection concerning the case against Mr. Cleve Wells for his role in the abuse of a horse under his care named Slow Lopin Scotch.

All I can do is shake my head in amazement and wonder why and how this ever could have happened? use a period here instead of a ? It has been stated that your office has received a large amount of correspondence concerning Mr. Wells and his abusive habits which he calls horse training. I should also hope you have read a good number of first hand accounts of the actions of Mr. Wells. I can assure you that there is absolutely NO reason on earth a horse should suffer the injuries to the extent of those displayed in the pictures of Slow Lopin Scotch, nor the sheer torture he surely endured. NONE whatsoever! Delete this last sentence. Dramatic language such as this is ignored and it can reflect bad on you. Take out all capital letter words as well.

From what I understand the discretionary rejection was chosen due in part to many of the occurrences you learned of, happening outside of your jurisdiction. If this is true, did you not consider that this ONE case is YOUR chance to STOP someone who obviously has no regard for animals? Turn this into a sentence rather than a question. This is a very derogatory question toward the DA--if I were him, I'd drop your letter right now and not read the rest. You want to approach him with facts, not be accusatory. Accusations only piss people off. If the other occurrences happened in places outside of your jurisdiction, that should tell you in no uncertain terms, Mr. Wells behaves in this same ruthless, uncaring and callous manner while he is away at horse shows and most likely while IN the public eye. If he behaves this badly and is this abusive to animals in public, there is no telling what happens to them at ‘home’ on his property and behind his barn doors.

It has also been stated that Mr. Wells claims one of his employees is at fault for the injuries suffered by Slow Lopin Scotch. Again, let me assure you, take "let me assure you" out--another accusatory statement, as if you know more than him. Okay, of course you do, but you don't want to question his job as the DA. whether the injuries came from the abusive hands of Mr. Wells or one of his employees, the horse was indeed AT his facility, ON his property and UNDER the care, custody and control of Mr. Wells. Therefore Mr. Wells is ultimately responsible for the well being of the horse. Again, take out the capital letters. He'll get it whether the words are capitalized or not.

The horses’ well being while at a training facility is similar to dropping your children off at school. While on school grounds it is the responsibility of the school faculty and staff under the guidance of the principal, to provide your child with a safe learning environment. It is the same responsibility of the facility owner and/or manager to ensure each horse is safe and cared for while they are on their property and under their care. Delete this whole paragraph. There are people who would not believe this to be true, so it's not a very good comparison. Most people do not equate animals as being as important as children--they are livestock or product.

My husband and I train horses and we have never, never had to abuse an animal in any manner, way, shape or form, to get them to perform. To carry that one step further, our horses perform much more difficult work- cutting as per NCHA, and jumping, which is far more difficult than merely performing three gaits (walk, jog and lope) around an arena. Might I also add that abused horses will just not ‘try’ as hard to please as those treated fairly with kindness, patience and respect. Okay, this is a hard one. Most people, and most likely this DA, aren't going to know what "gaits," "cutting," "NCHA," "lope," or even "arena" means. I believe it's important for you to point out that you are horse trainers and you have been more successful with kindness, patience and respect rather than abusing a horse. But put it in terms a layman would know. Point out the successes of people like Clinton Anderson, the Parellis, and Monty Roberts. Give an example of a horse that came to you abused, and your methods changed that horse's attitude.

Mr. Wells has also stated the value of Slow Lopin Scotch is not as high as the other horses in his barn. Dollar value should have absolutely NO bearing on how a horse is handled, treated or cared for. NONE! Remove "NONE!" and take out the capital letters. The horse may have been able to perform to the top levels of the ‘sport’ of showing Mr. Wells aspires to, but following the abuse and torture this horse endured, the mental capacities of Slow Lopin Scotch may never be able to handle even ‘normal’ day to day care, without the long term effects of Mr. Wells’ abuse resurfacing time and again. Again, we're dealing with someone who probably has no sympathy for horses. So I would change this paragraph to read as follows:
Mr... Wells has also stated the value of Slow Lopin Scotch is not as high as the other horses in his barn. Dollar value should have no bearing on how a horse is handled, treated or cared for. The owners most likely paid the same price for training as did other horses in Mr. Wells' barn that are worth more money. Therefore, they deserve to receive the same treatment and results as other horse owners receive at Mr. Wells' barn.

I ask that you reconsider the case against Mr. Wells for the abuse Slow Lopin Scotch endured. For Mr. Wells to go unpunished, just shows that the abuse of animals in your county and under your jurisdiction is considered acceptable. For Mr. Wells to go unpunished also shows those working for the county in the animal control division that although they do their jobs and try to bring justice to those who abuse, they will not be taken seriously if and when the abuser is reprimanded or taken into custody. EXCELLENT paragraph!

If this case is not taken any further and Mr. Wells receives no punishment for his abusive actions or his careless inaction to get proper care for the horse, i.e. calling the veterinarian, this is what the country will perceive, as many eyes are on you. Horse people across the country are watching and hoping for justice to finally be done. This is but one step in a long uphill battle. Way to stick it to him--hitting them where it hurts, which includes their reputation and their pocketbook, is very wise. You can also find out when the next election is and point out that he can lose votes, things like that.

I ask that you take a long hard look at each picture submitted of Slow Lopin Scotch and his injuries and imagine for a moment it were you. Imagine that you had open lacerations left untreated, open and likely infected wounds oozing pus and foul odors that you had to smell constantly. Imagine that you are the one with bone fragments in your jaw causing undetermined amounts of pain as you try to eat. Take this paragraph out. Many, many people don't view animals as having feelings and won't put themselves in their shoes/paws. Plus, if this guy dismissed the case, then he obviously doesn't care much about the feelings of animals.

I ask you again to reconsider the case against Mr. Wells. If for nobody else, reconsider it for Slow Lopin Scotch and the number of other horses who will surely suffer the same torture, should Cleve Wells go unpunished. Again, he won't care about the horse, so remove this paragraph. Ending your letter with a dig at what his decision will reflect leaves him with something very strong to think about.

Thank You,

Name
Business Name
Address
Phone

Here's the same letter that has all the above changes that I've made. (Red + Blue = Purple!)

It has recently come to my attention that the district attorneys office has chosen a discretionary rejection concerning the case against Mr. Cleve Wells for his role in the abuse of a horse under his care named Slow Lopin Scotch.

All I can do is shake my head in amazement and wonder why and how this ever could have happened. It has been stated that your office has received a large amount of correspondence concerning Mr. Wells and his abusive habits which he calls horse training. I should also hope you have read a good number of first hand accounts of the actions of Mr. Wells.

From what I understand the discretionary rejection was chosen due in part to many of the occurrences you learned of happening outside of your jurisdiction. If this is true, then this opportunity to stop someone who obviously has no regard for animals has been completely passed by. If the other occurrences happened in places outside of your jurisdiction, that should communitcate that, in no uncertain terms, Mr. Wells behaves in this same ruthless, uncaring and callous manner while he is away at horse shows and most likely while in the public eye. If he behaves this badly and is this abusive to animals in public, there is no telling what happens to them at ‘home’ on his property and behind his barn doors.

It has also been stated that Mr. Wells claims one of his employees is at fault for the injuries suffered by Slow Lopin Scotch. Again, whether the injuries came from the abusive hands of Mr. Wells or one of his employees, the horse was indeed at his facility, physically on his property and therefore under the care, custody and control of Mr. Wells. Therefore, Mr. Wells is ultimately responsible for the well being of the horse.

My husband and I train horses and we have never had to resort to methods that cause injuries to an animal in any manner, way, shape, or form to get them to perform. As horse trainers, we have been far more successful with kidness, patience and respect rather than resorting to the kinds of abusive methods Mr. Wells used on Slow Lopin Scotch. This success is not just prevalent in our personal business; dozens of public figures that are considered high quality horse trainers such as Monty Roberts, Clinton Anderson, Pat and Linda Parelli, and Dennis Reis use positive reinforcement and not in punishment in their day-to-day training, and that message is strong and widely accepted as the "right way" to train horses in the horse community.

Mr. Wells has also stated the value of Slow Lopin Scotch is not as high as the other horses in his barn. Dollar value should have no bearing on how a horse is handled, treated or cared for. The owners most likely paid the same price for training as did the owners of other horses in Mr. Wells' barn that are worth more money. Therefore, they and their horses deserve to receive the same treatment and results as other horses and owners receive at Mr. Wells' barn.

I ask that you reconsider the case against Mr. Wells for the abuse Slow Lopin Scotch endured. For Mr. Wells to go unpunished shows that the abuse of animals in your county and under your jurisdiction is considered acceptable. It also shows those working for the County in the Animal Control Division that although they do their jobs and try to bring justice to those who abuse, they will not be taken seriously if and when the abuser is reprimanded or taken into custody.

If this case is not taken any further and Mr. Wells receives no punishment for his abusive actions or his careless inaction to get proper care for the horse, i.e., calling the veterinarian, this is what the country will perceive, as many eyes are on you. Horse people across the country are watching and hoping for justice to finally be done. This is but one step in a long uphill battle.

If you have any questions or concerns, or would like to discuss this matter further, please feel free to contact me at the below information. Thank you for your time.

I hope this information is helpful and gives you insight and guidance in how to write your own letters. If you'd like me to critique your letter, please email me via my website (linked at the bottom of this blog). Please note that I may not necessarily write you back right away, but I will get to your email as soon as I can.

Good luck in helping those who cannot help themselves, whether it be human or animal. We can only make a difference if we stand up for what is right!